By Robin Olson, Area Agency on Aging, and originally published in The Mountain Mail on June 24, 2024,
Have you ever suddenly started to cry because you miss a loved one who’s died? Or how about bursting into laughter when you see something silly that reminds you of that person? But if this loved one passed away many years ago, you may ask yourself, “Why am I feeling this now?”
Whether it has been 10 years or 10 minutes, grief from the death of a person loved, or from another type of loss like marriage, job, or health, knows no boundaries and has many faces. There is never a time when you are “done” with grief.
Grief is a universal human experience. We are made to connect with one another, to love, learn, play, and work. When we lose that connection, we experience feelings and emotions that have come to be labeled as grief. Within that label, there are many types, including but not limited to:
- Normal
- Anticipatory
- Complicated
- Cumulative
- Delayed
- Traumatic
Yes, there is a type of grief called normal and there are many signs and symptoms. They may include the following, both emotional and physical. Here is a short list but not all-inclusive.
Emotional symptoms:
- Sadness
- Anger
- Anxiety/Depression
- Fear
- Overwhelm
- Guilt
- Shock or numbness
Physical symptoms:
- Fatigue
- Nausea
- Sleep disturbances
- Tightness in your chest or throat
- Loss of appetite
After the initial loss, these symptoms may be intense, but should start to diminish over time. This is the definition of Normal Grief. If you continue to experience intense symptoms for longer than six months or have multiple consecutive losses, you may have Complicated Grief. Please seek help from a professional who can assist with an appropriate treatment plan.
You may have heard the phrase “Time heals all wounds.” A more appropriate phrase is “It’s what you do with your time that heals all wounds.” J. William Worden, PhD, is a psychiatrist with more than 50 years of grief research from working with patients of all ages. The first two decades of his career coincided with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, whom you may know as the founder of the Five Stages of Grief: Anger, Denial, Depression, Bargaining and Acceptance.
Kubler-Ross’s stages are more of a state of being that often does not occur in this order. Remember, grief is not predictable! Worden’s contribution to how we process grief is called the Four Tasks of Mourning. These tasks resulted from his work with clients as they progressed through the journey of grief.
Worden’s four tasks are:
- To accept the reality of the loss
Acceptance is understanding the reality of what you’ve lost both intellectually and emotionally. When you have to make arrangements, attend the memorial service, or speak about the person in the past tense, your brain begins to accept. Emotional acceptance can be a bit more complex. There may be feelings of disbelief or denial in the beginning. Those can serve you temporarily. But staying in those places for too long doesn’t allow you to move through the mourning process.
- To process the pain of grief
Instead of trying to identify all the different emotions that come with grief, this task acknowledges each person has their own individual way of working through their pain of grief. Using a general list of emotions to help you put a label to what you are feeling can be helpful. Remember that talking about them and understanding they are OK to have is a way to work through them. Other ways include movement and exercise, writing and journaling or creating artwork like a scrapbook.
- To adjust to a world without the deceased
This process happens over a while and is dependent upon the relationship to the person who died. If it was your spouse, you would have new roles to take on such as paying bills, mowing the lawn or parenting. You are adapting to a new identity. The experience of a loved one’s death may bring about spiritual questions. There is no defined timeline for this adjustment. This task acknowledges the newness and changes required to move forward in a different environment.
- To find an enduring connection with the deceased while in the midst of embarking on a new life
Finding a way to keep a meaningful connection with the deceased that allows you to establish new pathways in living is the purpose of this task. Beginning to engage with new people in new relationships or activities can be difficult. It can feel like a betrayal to the one you loved. This fourth task fully signifies the acceptance of your situation, allows you to remember your loved one, and shows your willingness to have new adventures.
Robin Olson is available for grief counseling, grief education, and guest speaking. Please contact Robin at [email protected] for additional information.