By Robin Olson, Area Agency on Aging, and originally published in The Mountain Mail on June 24, 2024,
The Universal and Often Painful Experience of Grief
Have you ever suddenly started to cry because you miss a loved one who’s died? Or maybe you’ve burst into laughter at something silly that reminds you of them? Even if your loved one passed away years ago, moments like these may leave you wondering, “Why am I feeling this now?”
Grief doesn’t follow a timeline—it’s a deeply personal journey that knows no boundaries. Whether it has been 10 years or 10 minutes since a loss, whether it’s the death of a loved one or another type of loss like marriage, job, or health, grief is complex and ongoing. In reality, we’re never truly “done” with grief.
Types of Grief
Grief is a natural human experience. It emerges when we lose meaningful connections—connections we’ve built through love, work, and shared experiences. Although we commonly refer to it as one emotion, grief can take many forms:
- Normal Grief
- Anticipatory Grief
- Complicated Grief
- Cumulative Grief
- Delayed Grief
- Traumatic Grief
Each of these types can bring unique challenges. Understanding which kind of grief you’re experiencing may help you process it in a more mindful way.
Symptoms of Grief
Grief presents itself in many forms, both emotional and physical. Here are some common symptoms:
Emotional Symptoms
- Sadness
- Anger
- Anxiety or depression
- Fear
- Overwhelm
- Guilt
- Shock or numbness
Physical Symptoms
- Fatigue
- Nausea
- Sleep disturbances
- Tightness in the chest or throat
- Loss of appetite
For many people, these symptoms are intense at first but tend to diminish over time. This natural process is often referred to as Normal Grief. However, if you continue to experience intense symptoms for more than six months, or if you’ve endured multiple losses, you may be experiencing Complicated Grief. In such cases, reaching out to a professional counselor can help.
Moving Beyond “Time Heals All Wounds”
You may have heard the phrase, “Time heals all wounds,” but a more accurate phrase might be, “It’s what you do with your time that heals all wounds.” Psychiatrist Dr. J. William Worden, known for his research on grief, introduced a concept called The Four Tasks of Mourning. These tasks, based on his work with grieving patients, provide a framework to navigate the grieving process in a more meaningful way.
The Four Tasks of Mourning
1. Accept the Reality of the Loss
Acceptance means understanding what has happened both intellectually and emotionally. Attending a memorial service, speaking of your loved one in the past tense, or handling their belongings can all help you begin to accept the reality. Emotional acceptance, however, may take longer, as feelings of disbelief or denial may linger. Staying in these places for too long, though, can stall the grieving process.
2. Process the Pain of Grief
Each person experiences grief differently. Rather than identifying each emotion that arises, allow yourself to feel whatever comes. Consider using these tools to help process your grief:
- Talking it through: Share your feelings with trusted friends or family.
- Movement and exercise: Physical activity can help release built-up emotional tension.
- Journaling or creating art: Writing, drawing, or making a scrapbook can provide an outlet for processing pain.
3. Adjust to a World Without the Deceased
This process of adjustment depends on your relationship with the person who passed. You may need to take on new roles, like managing finances or parenting, or face profound changes in identity and spirituality. While this adjustment process takes time, it gradually helps you move forward in a world that now looks very different.
4. Find an Enduring Connection with the Deceased While Embracing New Life
The goal of this final task is to form a lasting connection with your loved one that honors their memory while allowing you to pursue new relationships and experiences. This stage often feels bittersweet, as moving forward can feel like a betrayal. But by embracing this new path, you can keep your loved one in your heart while inviting new joy into your life.
Moving Forward: Healing From Grief with Guidance
If you’re currently navigating grief, remember that support is available. Reach out to someone who can guide you through this journey, whether that be a trusted friend, family member, or professional. Grief counseling and education can offer comfort and direction as you move through each stage.
For those interested in learning more about grief, counseling, or speaking engagements, please contact Robin Olson. She is available to provide guidance, education, and support for those in need.
For more information on Robin Olson’s services, click here to email her.
